Beneath The Outer Shell

Ahh, the world of online dating. Some people call it a miracle and others refer to it as love suicide. I’ve had my moments where I can relate to both. Hell, my first ever girlfriend lived in Massachusetts and we met online…back in 1994. Not sure if you remember, but in 1994 the internet was rather new and exciting. At the age of 16, my online dating consisted of AOL chat rooms (now popularized on MSNBC’s “To Catch a Predator”) followed by written letters, and eventually phone calls. In a way, the internet helped me come out of my shell..or at least assisted me in feeling more comfortable within my shell. Either way, it has been a large part of my life since Al Gore invented it. Don’t laugh…you know he invented the internet and we all know we are going to die of global warming very soon.

So I joined an online dating site once again when I got back from the Peace Corps. My girlfriend for a year bolted as soon as I got back home (something about me not paying attention…I’m not sure, I wasn’t really listening at the time). The site I joined is FREE! And by the looks of it, I could tell there are many different types of women the website chooses to “match” you up with. I was a little skeptical of a free site…because of the possibility of spammers, psycho men posing as women, and “insert greatest online fear here” scenarios.

Well, WOMAN NUMBER 1 emailed me first and we started to email back and forth. After a few emails, we decided to exchange phone numbers and meet up. Wow! This was easy I thought! I had only had my profile up for a week and I already had a date! Well, WOMAN NUMBER 1 and I met at a bar near her place (which was also her parents place, as she lived at home like me). It was her idea to get totally sloshed on our first date. And me, well, I’ve never turned down a chance to get drunk with a woman who was interested in me. Seriously, she seemed really sweet, smart and she was rather attractive. When I noticed we shared the same exact birthday, I knew this had to be good! I mean, how many times do you have the chance to date someone smart and attractive who was born on the same day as you?

So, 15 minutes into our first date, she says the following, “I just want to let you know that if anything gets serious with us, I’m totally okay with that”. uhh ohh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! I immediately remembered on her profile that she seemed rather concerned about “not finding Mr. Right”, and she was “waiting to be swept off her feet by that special someone”. “Well“, I thought, “so she’s a little desperate“. I think everyone has been desperate at some point in their life, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and we continued to date.

Fast forward to a few more dates with WOMAN NUMBER 1, and I’m on the phone with this woman who is hysterical that I am not ready to commit to her completely and enter a serious relationship with her. I reminded her that I was honest from the start and I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and I wasn‘t ready for something like that again yet. I guess she started liking me at a speed greater than that of the speed of which I was liking her. Hey, it happens. She decides to end it and we don’t talk again…until months later when she sends me a text asking how I’m doing, and so on and so forth. I thought maybe she had come to her senses and understood what I was talking about, so we decide to meet up at the same bar again. She was broke, so I had to pay (even though I’m unemployed and she has a job). Before I left for the bar, I glanced on her myspace profile…and it’s like a shrine to her new boyfriend. Her “about me” section is nothing more than, “I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I have a great boyfriend and I never thought this would happen again and I’m so happy”. uhh oh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! I found it interesting how she defines herself by the relationship she is in.

So we meet at the bar, and we start to chat like old times. During this reunion, I ask her about her boyfriend. She declines to answer and says that “it’s over”. I pressed the boyfriend issue a little more because someone who leaves up information on their profile, which they check everyday, claiming to be “in a relationship” and yet refusing to admit to it says one thing… yep…uhh oh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! We ended the date after hanging out for an hour at the bar.

The next morning I get a text message from her exclaiming the following, “I worked things out with that guy so it looks like I have someone after all”.

WOMAN NUMBER 2 emailed me out of the blue, just like WOMAN NUMBER 1 did. WOMAN NUMBER 2 was in college, had her own place, seemed really smart, had great taste in music and movies, and was quite attractive. I actually thought that she was either spam, a transvestite, or really a psychotic man posing as a woman…seriously. She seemed too good to be true. We talked on the phone, after a few long “waiting for an email response” delays, and we decide to go out.

I picked up WOMAN NUMEBR 2 at her parents house…she was visiting them for the weekend. She opened the door and WOW! She was nothing less than hott! She smiles, hugs me, and kisses my cheek at first glance. Damn! That was quite a first impression gone right! I was stoked!

We have a great first date…but the subject of her “ex-boyfriend” came up. See, she still LIVES with her “ex-boyfriend”. uhh oh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! but, ya know…I hate to discriminate and she had a good story about how they were stuck in a lease together and that he would be leaving after the lease is up. And we even hung out at her (their) place together…making sure I left before he got home because he gets a “little jealous sometimes”. ok, I felt weird about this entire setup, but she insisted that he is dating other women and bringing them home too (this fact is QUITE funny regarding WOMAN NUMBER 3...read on to find out!).

WOMAN NUMBER 2 and I had a great time together and we went out a number of times. All seemed ok, until she says, “looks like my ex-boyfriend will be staying here past the lease after all” uhh oh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

The best part, as I later come to realize, is that her and her “ex-boyfriend” are in an “open relationship”. Not only THAT, they are looking for people to have 3-somes with! Male or female…but preferably female. Yeeeeaaahhhhhh….uhh oh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

Ok…WOMAN NUMBER 3 and I actually just went out last week! It started, once again, when she emailed me out of the blue and we start talking it up. We exchange phone numbers and we decide to one day hang out. WOMAN NUMBER 3 had her own place, was in college, seemed very smart, was very sweet, and very attractive. I went to her place, where she ordered pizza! Hooray! A woman who knows how to please me! We had a great first date…until a funny thing happened.

See, we start talking about our past relationships. I go over some of the dating nightmares I have had in the past in regards to this free dating website. We both laugh and laugh and talked for hours and hours. Everything was going great, until I mentioned the name of WOMAN NUMBER 2...her face went blank, and she says, “wait…was WOMAN NUMBER 2 dating a guy named GUY NUMBER 1”?

“umm yeah” I said with great anticipation…

“Oh my God“, she says…”I dated GUY NUMBER 1 back in March!”.

AHHHH!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy Crap! We were stunned at this amazing coincidence! I mean, what are the chances of us meeting up and going out on a date. The dating website we are on has thousands of profiles…the chances are too ridiculous to calculate. But something in her face was NOT ok, even though she tried to hide it. The date went kinda weird from that point on. We both talked about how WOMAN NUMBER 2 and GUY NUMBER 1 tried to get both us to either be okay with the open relationship or actually involved in a sexual 3-some. I just thought it was really crazy and kept saying, “what a small world!”..but I could tell WOMAN NUMBER 3 was a little more thrown back by the coincidence. Both of us explained that we ended our relationships with the “3-some couple” because it just got too weird. But we watched a movie and ended the date late in the night.

Last night, WOMAN NUMBER 3 and I talk on the phone and she brings up the "3-some couple" yet once again. I’m wondering, why in the hell does she wanna still talk about these people? After some very uncomfortable statements like, “I can’t believe you dated WOMAN NUMBER 2” I ask her to tell me what the real problem was! To me, it seemed like jealousy BIG TIME. I mean, I had no issues with her dating GUY NUMBER 1, and besides…MY PAST IS THE PAST AND I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO ANYONE, nor do I expect a detailed explanation of others previous actions or lives. WOMAN NUMBER 3 starts the whole, “no matter what, I want us to remain friends”

Wow! Most people don’t pull out the, “we can be friends” statement until there is at least a connection that is lost or a lack thereof a connection alltogether. We definitely had a connection, until she discovered this retarded coincidence…which really had nothing to do with our present situation. I started asking her to explain herself more. I can take it when someone is not interested in me, just explain it to me briefly. But this was different. She was clearly stuck at the fact that I dated WOMAN NUMBER 2. She finally says to me, “the truth is that I am really turned off by the fact that you found WOMAN NUMBER 2 attractive and that you actually dated her”. uhh oh! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

“Well“, I thought, “thanks for being honest finally”

Seriously, I’m 30 years old, and I haven’t met someone so shallow and judgmental since high school.

NEXT!