Thursday, June 26, 2008
Manic Mixed State 101
i'm manic right now. yes..this very moment while i write this. what you don't see is that every few words you read have been backspaced through and corrected...more than once, all because i am typing at what feels like a zillion words a minute, but in reality it's more like maybe 30 per minute. oh, i did forget to mention i use only 2 fingers while typing. yes..those 2.
it's been a while since my last post. i've been slowly becoming more manic day by day, week by week, and month by month. part of me knew the medicine had stopped working months ago (I have NEVER intentionally skipped a dose), but another part of me wanted to prove to myself i had become better. now, for at LEAST a month...i've been manic.
how manic? what's it like?
the carpet is moving around in front of my eyes...just like an acid trip...like a flashback or something.
ohh, and that glass window door? i honestly feel like I can run right through it. same goes for that wall too, and that car, and that person. you can see where this can be bad, yes.
before i go any further...allow me to explain. i went to the ER today and waited 3 hours for a presciption (amazing how you come in to the ER, show CLEAR signs of mania, and they sit me in a room and give me NO updates for 3 hours). plus, the one guy who did say he was going to grab a remote control for me (hey, it was a small flat screen TV...very pimp for a room with a curtain door). well, he never came back and even avoided making eye contact with me whenever he would pass my room...every 5 minutes...for 2 hours. dick.
and ya know, without being treated or at least given an update as to why i am still lying in a apron in my underwear with a TV turned off with every john, dick, and hary staring at me from the outside of my open room as they wait patiently for their loved one to get a bullet removed from their skull. this was north fulton medical hospital, i might add. so...for so many hours, i started thinking maybe i should have gone to the NON-Emergency Room, as I bet they get serviced faster.
i even asked one of the 13 year old looking nurses after the first 2 hours, "do i have to break every single item in this room to be taken seriously? i'm manic! calm me the f*ck down!" my only problem was I was trying to be quite civil about it at first...with NO luck! i'm sure this 13 year old nurse will remember me for a while after that unload. hey...i said i was MANIC when i walked in and signed papers!
anyway, i did get a prescription for some anxiety medicine until i see a doctor tomorrow. can't go to work. may have to miss a lot of work, but at least i'll have a legal binding note from my doctor. saweeeet! im gonna take advantage of this break. it's long overdue. six flags anyone??
so, yeah. that's how i've been these days...er i mean months. friends haven't heard from me. i'm a little hard to understand because i may tend to talk 300+ words a minute, with no direct relation from one sentence or overly obscure idea to the very next. to those that still call me friends...thank you, i love you more than you'll know.
i'll keep ya posted! in the meantime, i'll be examining the carpet in front of me...simply because it's breathing my way.
ZZZZzzz....what? did someone just say my name? i swear! I just heard my name! ZZZZzzzz....
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2 comments:
I'm really glad you shared this Sam. The description helps me understand it so much better.
I've had some panic attacks that sound close to that. I saw a strobe light effect in the fast food place when I walked in, after having super sweaty palms, feeling like I had to pee (and really be ing able to go a lot) every 5 minutes, and bursting into tears for no reason. And that was around the holidays. I get nervous just thinking that the holidays will be coming again- ever. One difference is I don't feel it coming on for months and the anxiety can let up after a day of rest. I get the feeling your situation lasts longer.
It really does sound a lot like acid flashbacks. We used to have conversations about how a person should be able to adjust their molecules just enough to be able to pass through concrete etc. while watching the walls breathe.
Are you ready for this? Cue the Jock Jams sport music I'm going to toss out some kudos now. (I picture starving dogs begging for granola treats but whatever)
You did some good stuff here! 1 kudo awarded for knowing that regardless of what your mind told you , you could not walk through glass and just be fine.
2 kudos for going to ER when you knew this was getting way too difficult to handle w/o some medication
3 kudos for crawling out of your hole and reaching out to some friends
4 kudos for keeping your sense of humor intact and attempting t be civil even while under great stress
and I'm even going to give you some kudo crumbs b/c you explored a bit to see if you magically were cured. I think that's kind of normal to do once. But now we know better, right? No more of that nonsense. When things are amiss with your medication or mood, go directly to your doctor and get the support you need.
If by chance, it's a weekend, call someone to meet you in the ER. Friends don't let friends go w/o remotes. Often times, we friends can know the appropriate level of emotional outburst required to make shit happen. ;-)
Big sloppy web hugs!
I think you're going to be alright! There has to be quite a learning curve in how to manage this situation. I think you are doing very well!
- CYN
thanks Cyn! now, why didn't i see this comment earlier?
must...fix...settings...somehow
:)
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