Beneath The Outer Shell

today is the 17th of june, 2007. you'll find me in a stage of life i'd rather not think about, let alone talk about. i'm 29, i'm single, i'm unemployed, i live at home with my parents, and i have no idea what to do next for the first time in a LONG time. so yeah, basically...i'm a loser.

not to sell myself too short...i graduated with a B.A in Communications in 1999. worked in radio for nearly 10 years, moved to Hawaii and spent almost 4 years there simply for the challenge of accomplishing a life-long goal i was continuously told was "out of touch with reality". i gave up paradise and i joined the Peace Corps and moved to a developing country in Africa no one has ever heard of (and never will) and learned the language, the culture, and re-established my gratitude for the endless luxuries i have as being an American citizen.

one could say that i have had an exciting life. i will not argue..but today, i find myself lost without words on which direction to take. i feel like i'm at the busiest intersection in New York City and my car has just died...not just stalled, not out of gas...literally died without notice...and there's endless traffic behind me breathing down my neck, blowing their horns, and shaking their fists out of disgust.

so...what the hell happened???

well, as i was in Lesotho, Africa, i became depressed after taking an anti-malarial medication i took when i went to Kenya on vacation. the medicine is called Mefloquine (also known as Lariam). apparently less than 1% of those who take Mefloquine experience symptoms that have been dubbed, "The Mefloquine Syndrome". The Mefloquine Syndrome encompasses severe neurological and psychological problems, like depression, anxiety, mood disorders, anger, etc. what was that? did someone say something about a lawsuit? nope...i signed a waver and thought i would take my chances with Mefloquine, but the Peace Corps did speak so highly of Mefloquine because of the so-called common side effect of "erotic dreaming". well, i didn't get any erotic dreaming...what i got felt like a bad acid trip and has turned into an unusual mental state where i'm still trying to figure out what's up and down, and what's black and white in this overly grey world.

so, in a nutshell, that's me and my story at this junction in life. all of my friends outside of myspace...as in real life friends..are married, or engaged, or parents, or all three...wait, ahh hell..you get the picture. people are jealous of me for my life experiences and i'm jealous of people for their ability to make sense out of life before they turned 30. i'll be 30 in two months and it's pretty damn scary to just...not have a clue.

ahhhh, this is NOT how i planned it...but so goes life.